Chuck Hayes ≠ International Superstar. Why signing budget athletes as sponsors isn't that smart.

So I spent a decent part of this summer working for Ruder-Finn Asia in Beijing. The company is apparently pretty renowned in the field of PR worldwide, and in China they have some pretty big-time clients like Audi and Li-Ning (the Chinese equivalent of Nike or Adidas, coming soon to America). My job is pretty boring; basically, they send me "translated" documents which are mostly Chinglish, and I have to translate them into readable English.

That means when they write "The new Audi advertisements stick you in the eye," I have to change it to something that suggests attracting attention more than retinal assault. It also means I have to change the order of things sometimes. Like when they list Li-Ning's top NBA endorsers in monthly press releases:

LI NING today expand international market presence with teamwork of worldwide
renowned NBA superstar: Chuck Hayes, Damon Jones and the Shaq.

Even if you want to believe Chuck Hayes is "worldwide renowned" (uhh... what?), you have to give "the Shaq" primacy on that list. Damon Jones is having a rough time even finding a suitor in free agency, and I think Chuck Hayes just ended up as like 9th on the depth chart in Detroit. The Diesel is the only person on that list even close to "international" in terms of popularity. Jones only scored 2.4 poings per game more than I did in the playoffs last year, and I was battling planar fasciitis. If you're a non-NBA fan, you're probably asking yourself: "So why would the Chinese Nike want to sign such low-caliber players?" But if you follow basketball, you already know. It's because Jones was a swingman in Miami next to "the Shaq" and in Cleveland next to (the?) Lebron. Chuck Hayes was pulling down boards next to Yao Ming, who is apparently pretty popular among the rice-eating sectors of the sportswear market. It's actually a pretty clever strategy: Lebron makes hundreds of millions in endorsements because he attracts so much attention, but you can sign a mediocre player on the Cavaliers' roster for about 4 wontons and some poison dog food. Add that to the fact that lots of Lebron fans will inadvertently be watching his teammates anyway and you have quite the bargain.

Think of how far this could go: are we only years away from seeing Ichiro's batboy get a 4-figure contract from a Japanese brand like Onitsuka Tiger? Could we be months away from seeing Li-Ning billboards that use a definite article in front of Shaq? Maybe not, because as we just saw with Hayes and Jones, companies can get screwed big-time. Damon Jones can't even find a job, and you know there's no Chinese fanbase in Detroit because Asians aren't legal there yet.

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China-Related Links of the Day: One of these is true, and the other is a joke article from the Onion. Take a guess from the headlines and click through to see if you're right. It's actually pretty hard.

1. Yao's Wedding Vows: "Ye, my beloved, to glimpse the onyx brilliance of the top of your head sends through me a rush of love strong enough to lift a thousand mountains."
2. China Bans Tibetan Monks from Reincarnating Without Government Permission

hmm so what am i gonna do here?

Okay, this is me thinking out loud to figure out what the hell I'm going to put here.

• one of those free association things, like capadonna's verse on "triumph" or a psychological test
• look a like pictures. e.g., joe camel and jay-z, though i took that idea from the youtube parody of his hp commercial.
• other pictures which are somehow funny, like the art of that brazilian guy whose name i forget.
• hating on people, but in a manner which will simultaneously entertain and educate
• slightly worrying amounts of renaldo balkman worship
• music, movie, artists, and other shit i like?
• crazy anecdotes, both recent and past
• retarded experiments, like being nice to people or wearing a jason mask or only speaking in sexual references, but with a somewhat legitimate scientific method
• that last one i should really do, it's by far the most promising and unique thing i came up with
• should i dabble in sports? apart from balkman? probably not... UNLESS! maybe if i can do it in a way to entertain not sports people. like with ridiculously overextended metaphors. that might work.
• brilliant observations, dry wit, and wry something or other (i know that word usually goes in this sort of context, but i don't know exactly what it meants). exposing the foibles of life in our day.
• other shit, i'll figure it out.